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 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Ихтиандр
А я думал give it up - давать, а не иметь.

to give up это сдаваться, бросать какое-то занятие

а вот to give it to someone up the [some part of the body] - это уже...
10 фев 17, 18:32    [20201653]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Three families live in a tower block. A white family, a black family and a mexican family. Suddenly, a plane crashes into the building. What family survives?

The white family, since the kids were at school, and the parents were at work.
16 фев 17, 14:13    [20217805]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Roslyn
Member

Откуда: Failed state
Сообщений: 38611
раньше белые отдыхали, а черные и мексы работали, теперь наоборот
16 фев 17, 14:14    [20217808]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
16 фев 17, 14:16    [20217815]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
я думал, это чисто русский анекдот про водку

A guy walks into a bar, orders six Jägermeister shots.
The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?
The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob".
The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".
The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".
16 фев 17, 14:25    [20217861]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
3 мар 17, 17:37    [20261327]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Ive had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.

It gives the illusion that the wife is moving when we're having sex.
3 мар 17, 17:38    [20261332]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
A Nun is walking down the street when a young soldier comes running up to her. He says "Please can you help me? I'm being chased by the Military Police, let me hide under your robes, I'll explain later" The Nun lets the soldier hide under under her robes, then two Military Policemen appear and ask the Nun if she has seen a soldier, she Says "No", then sends them the wrong way. The soldier crawls out from beneath the Nuns robes and says " I can't thank you enough Sister, they are wanting to send me to Iraq but I don't want to go" The Nun replies "I can understand that completely" The soldier then says "I hope you don't mind me saying this but you have a really nice pair of legs under there" The Nun says "Not at all, in fact if you had looked a little higher you would have noticed a really nice pair of balls, you see, I don't want to go to fucking Iraq either"!
13 мар 17, 07:48    [20287995]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Tayfur
Member

Откуда: Магнитогорск
Сообщений: 1173
kpu3uc
.."Not at all, in fact if you had looked a little higher you would have noticed a really nice pair of balls, you see, I don't want to go to fucking Iraq either"!
It's cool!
13 мар 17, 11:28    [20288638]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Poor Abdul blows himself up only to be confronted the forces of the universe known as 'God', "Well Abdul my old son, you fucked up and got it wrong, karma is the law of the universe, you are going back to live another life where you will be hated, despised and abused all your life till you learn your lesson. " "No , please " said Abdul, "please don't send me back as Paki again, " he pleaded. "Of course you're going back as a Paki, " said the God like entity, "but it gets worse, "you're going back as a Paki girl."
14 мар 17, 22:25    [20295447]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Tayfur
Member

Откуда: Магнитогорск
Сообщений: 1173
From my ICQ:
- Hello!
- Hi! How do you do?
- Ok!
- Do you speak Russian?
- Yes, Oxford!
- пи..к :D
- :D
15 мар 17, 11:09    [20296784]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
15 мар 17, 11:17    [20296847]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off
17 мар 17, 15:50    [20306544]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Tayfur
Member

Откуда: Магнитогорск
Сообщений: 1173
About handsaw better than the last.
18 мар 17, 18:28    [20309249]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
i45
Member

Откуда:
Сообщений: 5374
Tayfur
About handsaw better than the last.


Google выдает ноль результатов.
18 мар 17, 18:42    [20309279]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Tayfur
Member

Откуда: Магнитогорск
Сообщений: 1173
i45
Tayfur
About handsaw better than the last.


Google выдает ноль результатов.

Вата хел. Write on English here please.
18 мар 17, 22:46    [20309791]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
IvanChai
Member [заблокирован]

Откуда:
Сообщений: 2158
Tayfur
i45
пропущено...


Google выдает ноль результатов.

Вата хел. Write on English here please.


write in english, but not on
mi sembra
18 мар 17, 22:56    [20309800]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
можно ли по-русски так же кратко выразить мысль Never trust a fart ?
20 мар 17, 17:07    [20314886]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me
"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "
20 мар 17, 17:09    [20314896]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
I've just been sacked on the first day of my new job as a male masseuse. Apparently the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did
20 мар 17, 17:17    [20314927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
what do you call two gay pakies?
Rammit and Jammit.
20 мар 17, 17:20    [20314939]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
As a mark of respect, the family of the terrorist killed by police in London yesterday have decided to keep their corner shop open
23 мар 17, 13:40    [20325589]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525
Terrible news from London, but lets face the facts. Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.
23 мар 17, 13:42    [20325603]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 9525


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a sheer drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
+
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
23 мар 17, 13:48    [20325647]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
winsky!
Member

Откуда: Киев
Сообщений: 5123
on english

бл*
23 мар 17, 14:23    [20325934]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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