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 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.
23 мар 17, 15:16    [20326277]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
A man is sitting at an airport bar during a lay-over. He looks around and notices a beautiful woman with a glass eye, sitting by herself. She looks in his direction with her good eye, but the glass eye is looking away. Without warning, she sneezes violently, launching her glass eye out of the socket! It flies towards the man and he deftly grabs it from the air, but spills a drink onto his food. He gets up and brings the glass eye back to her. "This is so embarrassing," she says as she puts her glass eye back into the socket. "Please, let me buy you dinner to make up for the trouble I've caused."

The man accepts her offer, and sits at the table with her. They get to talking and he discovers that they have a lot in common. He becomes so absorbed by the conversation that he completely forgets about her glass eye. After dinner, the man asks for her phone number and she gives it to him. The man says, "You are the most beautiful and charming woman I've ever met. Are you always this friendly to strangers?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
23 мар 17, 15:26    [20326326]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
один из моих любимых анекдотов, но в русском варианте он рассказывается про старого еврея. "А бабушка сказала, что это на поминки"

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales. With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."
23 мар 17, 15:32    [20326361]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Boyle, Pascal and Newton wanted to play Hide and Seek
So Boyle closed his eyes and started counting, Pascal went to hide, and Newton just stood there and drew a square with a side of 1 meter.
When Boyle opened his eyes, he found Newton, and said "Newton I found you".
To which Newton Replied: "No I'm not Newton, I'm Pascal, Because Pa=N/m2 "
23 мар 17, 15:56    [20326508]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Панчлайн гениальный! но сначала надо прочитать эту shaggy-dog story

So there’s this guy, walking around somewhere in India. He looks about sixty, his hair is just starting to gray. He’s walking down this really dirty street, with trash and mud everywhere. Here’s his story.

His name is Abuk Chandrasekhar, but you can just call him Abuk. He is on his way home from a long, hard day at work. He’s about five minutes away from his tiny apartment. It is pouring down rain, the streets are nearly impossible to traverse across. After some struggle, Abuk is able to make it home safely. He takes off his dripping coat and muddy boots, then leans in close to his dingy kerosene heater. It’s no dinner again for the second night in a row; he’s about fed up with this hard life. But what can he do? If only he could somehow get to America, maybe life would be better.

Abuk decides to sing away his troubles. Ever since he was a little boy, his mother and father encouraged him to sing. After twenty years of practice every night, he finally could sing beautifully, at least in his opinion. He has improved even more in the years after, and uses nearly all of his spare time to practice. Abuk falls asleep hours later, with dreams of singing in the far off land of America.

The next morning, the weather clears up. He goes on his way to work as happy as can be. Up ahead, he sees disturbance in the street. a billboard. It’s brightly colored with very crisp edges just beginning to peel off. It says “AMERICAN IDOL - COMING TO NEW YORK CITY” in bold, thick text. Abuk’s face lights up right away. It must be a sign. He now knows where his life is going! Abuk turns around, rushes home, goes to his room, and grabs the small envelope that holds his entire life savings. He finds his phone, and dials the number for the local airport. “Hello, you’ve reached the Chennai International Airport, how may I help you?” the operator says in Hindi. “Hello, I was wondering how much a flight to New York would cost me.” “Our next flight to New York leaves in three days, and the price is... Hold on, let me check.... Fifty thousand rupees.” “Thank you” Abuk returns in English, hanging up the phone. Abuk counts his money. He has more than enough. “I’m going to America!” he exclaims ecstatically.

Two days later, at the Chennai International Airport 0’600 hours

Abuk steps out of the taxi, and pays the driver a generous tip. He hops out, grabs his bags, and happily jogs to the entrance. He quickly makes it through the light security, and heads directly for the plane. He tells everyone he can about his upcoming adventure to America. Most people keep walking without turning their heads, but at the gate Abuk meets someone who actually acknowledges him. The man who listens introduces himself as Aarav. He is traveling to America to meet his wife and child who flew up a few months earlier. He says he is the owner of a Jazz club, and invites Abuk to sing. “Oh, that sounds wonderful!” Abuk says, “After I finish the competition I will certainly come by to see you!” “Yes, very good, very good! I will see you later! May i have your phone number to call you?” “Sure, here.” Aarav pulls out his phone to write down the number. “91-365-447-3283.” “Thanks!” says Aarav.

There is a buzz over the intercom, and the flight attendant starts announcing the first section. Abuk waves goodbye to his new acquaintance, and boards the plane. Abuk sits down right in the front of the plane so he can be the first one off. He stores his carry-on, and reclines his seat for the long, tiring flight ahead. Tomorrow he will be in America!

The next day, in New York City. Noon. Abuk strolls down the sidewalk, looking for the address listed on the billboard. The Al Hirschfeld theater. It isn’t hard to find, there’s a gigantic line of people out front. Camera crews walk up and down the crowds, people fighting for a shot in the camera. The auditions have already started! Abuk sprints to the back of the line. It takes nearly three hours of watching cars zoom past, planes fly overhead, lights flash, and the other hustling and bustling of the city before he makes it to the front. The bouncer calls his name, and he steps inside. Sitting in front of him are three judges: Steven Tyler, Simon Cowell, and Jennifer Lopez.

“Oh, oh my gods! It is an honor to meet you!” Abuk says. I flew in all the way from india, and I’m here! “Oh, India! How wonderful!” Jennifer Lopez says, “I visited India many years ago. You have a beautiful country.” “Thank you, thank you!” Abuk says, “Today I will be singing Respect by Aretha Franklin. It is one of my favorites!” “Mine too, let’s hear it!” Steven Tyler returns. Abuk sings a wonderful solo, and gets all three votes to pass. He is going to Hollywood! Abuk runs out of the theater onto the streets, fist pumping and jumping for joy. In just two weeks, he will be appearing live on television in front of a huge studio audience! It seems his dream is going to come true! During the next few weeks, Abuk transfers his rupees to dollars, catches a transfer flight to Hollywood, and makes it to the theater with time to spare. He smashes his first performance, and makes it onto the semi finals unanimously. He goes around Hollywood, seeing everything he can, and just taking in the overwhelming rush of joy. He catches ANOTHER plane to the semifinals, and rocks Never Gonna Give You Up by rick Astley. After a few more weeks, he’s sitting at the finals, with two other people he’s competing against. His turn comes up faster than he would believe, and he attempts to sing the hardest song he’s ever had. Although he’s been practicing since the semifinals, he still doesn’t know if he can pull it off. His cover of Take on Me by A-Ha may be his biggest challenge yet. He dances to the techno music at the beginning, awing the crowd with his great moves. When the first line comes however, he misses his mark. He’s off by two seconds. His voice cracks, and his face turns bright red with embarrassment. He asks them to restart the track, but it’s too late. His final challenge is ruined. He failed. Tears stream down his face as he looked around the room, the audience dead silent. He slowly walks off stage. The next night, Abuk walks into the theater. The announcer comes on, and the three contestants line up. “The winner of American idol is... going to be announced after a quick commercial break.” The audience breaks out in laughter. Five minutes later, it happens for real. “America has voted. THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL IS: ... ... ... ... ABUK CHANDRASEKHAR!!!” Abuk’s face is sad, he knows he’s lost. But after a few seconds his brain registers something. Did the announcer just say his name? HIS name? Abuk walks up to the front of the stage as confetti rains down from the ceiling. Tears stream down his face, but these are from joy, not sadness. He won the million dollars. America loved his other performances, and his mistake must have not been that bad! Yes!

+
It just goes to show you, you never judge Abuk by his cover.

If you skipped ahead, SHAME ON YOU.
23 мар 17, 16:09    [20326593]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the Cooter asked. The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor. "That's real good!" said Cooter. The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Cooter was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter. "Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter. "No," Hunter replied. "Then you're gay."
23 мар 17, 17:03    [20326856]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Multiculturalism in London is where a Jew sells flowers to a Catholic that puts them on Westminster Bridge where a Muslim killed innocent people later to be stolen by the Black to give to his mother on Mother’s Day.
24 мар 17, 11:02    [20328654]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup."
"What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."
29 мар 17, 15:03    [20346844]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Картинка с другого сайта.
31 мар 17, 13:04    [20354301]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Картинка с другого сайта.
1 апр 17, 10:02    [20356598]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
After meeting a few of my mates for the first time, my girlfriend asked, "Why does everyone call Kevin 'The Terminator'? He must love those films."
"No," I replied. "He's already paid for nine abortions."
6 апр 17, 17:27    [20374611]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
I was waiting ages for a bus in the rain the other day.
When it finally arrived it was packed and being driven by an Indian man.
"Sorry mate," he said through the door "I'm ram-jam full."
"I didn't ask your fucking name," I replied "just let me on the bus!"
6 апр 17, 17:36    [20374652]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
на мотив известной песни Глории Гейнор
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years
just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....
walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!
17 май 17, 15:01    [20490031]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
17 май 17, 17:26    [20490758]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me."
17 май 17, 17:29    [20490768]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Q.Tarantino
Member

Откуда: Где-то рядом...
Сообщений: 9784
hi!
17 май 17, 17:30    [20490773]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."
17 май 17, 17:34    [20490785]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
the last one should be started with "The company hires a new man."
17 май 17, 17:35    [20490790]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
Member

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fak yuo
17 май 17, 17:39    [20490808]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Колян Козлов
fak yuo
do you know any other rude and offensive words?
17 май 17, 17:51    [20490848]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
Member

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Сообщений: 65
kpu3uc
Колян Козлов
fak yuo
do you know any other rude and offensive words?


yuo eshol
17 май 17, 17:56    [20490860]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Q.Tarantino
Member

Откуда: Где-то рядом...
Сообщений: 9784
wtf?
17 май 17, 17:56    [20490863]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
Member

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Сообщений: 65
Q.Tarantino
wtf?


end yuo
17 май 17, 18:15    [20490910]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Сообщений: 10476
Колян Козлов
end yuo

begin
null;
end;
17 май 17, 18:16    [20490912]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
свиное рыло
Member [заблокирован]

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Сообщений: 320
ландан из зе кэпитал оф жемани
17 май 17, 18:19    [20490917]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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