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 Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
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Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
Сообщений: 4080
Speak english and other languages here! (Russian language forbidden:) )
10 сен 11, 13:31    [11258148]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Rin@t
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Откуда: Москва
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Ahoj!
10 сен 11, 13:32    [11258152]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
Member

Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Здоровенькі були!
Як ся маєте?
10 сен 11, 13:33    [11258155]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
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Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
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10 сен 11, 14:02    [11258193]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Alexander_Chepack
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Откуда: London
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Charles Weyland
Jokes and all discussions on english here


What do you mean by "on English"?
10 сен 11, 14:22    [11258227]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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Alexander_Chepack
Charles Weyland
Jokes and all discussions on english here


What do you mean by "on English"?


он хотел сказать "ин Инглиш"
10 сен 11, 14:23    [11258228]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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Charles Weyland
Speak english and other languages here! (Russian language forbidden:) )


а за такие слова вообще банить надо - "за разжигание" или "за неудачный выбор выражений"
10 сен 11, 14:24    [11258231]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
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да лан тебе. Просто топик посвящен болтовне и шуткам на разных языках. Чёй-то разшигание-то? :)
10 сен 11, 14:34    [11258241]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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Charles Weyland
да лан тебе. Просто топик посвящен болтовне и шуткам на разных языках. Чёй-то разшигание-то? :)


ну так надо было сказать, что приветствуется общение на английском, а не что "русский язык запрещен" - разницу видишь?
10 сен 11, 14:36    [11258245]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
H.A.M.
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Откуда: NeverMind
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Ingest the poison,
Little bastard.
Go get some boost,
And hit the wall.

Save our planet,
Please use condoms!
Avoid reproduce yourself.
10 сен 11, 14:54    [11258268]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Cat2
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Откуда: Petroskoi, Karjala
Сообщений: 138782
Mina puhun vannaa
10 сен 11, 15:03    [11258281]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Ranckont
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Откуда: Екатеринбург
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Charles Weyland
Speak english and other languages here! (Russian language forbidden:) )

а нах...
вон есть НЗР, там они все любители иноземии
10 сен 11, 16:39    [11258473]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Николай П.
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Откуда: СССР
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Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
10 сен 11, 16:48    [11258495]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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Николай П.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn


АА!!! Cthulhu fhtagn!
10 сен 11, 16:51    [11258498]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
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Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Ну що, хлоп'ята, як тут у вас справи?
Що поробляєте?

Як, взагалі, справи, як життя?
10 сен 11, 16:51    [11258499]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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locky
Ну що, хлоп'ята, як тут у вас справи?
Що поробляєте?

Як, взагалі, справи, як життя?


ЖП, ну кто тебе сказал, что это английский?
10 сен 11, 17:00    [11258516]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Ololo
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Откуда: у Стейбла 34!...Чпок!
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Кара Мерген
locky
Ну що, хлоп'ята, як тут у вас справи?
Що поробляєте?

Як, взагалі, справи, як життя?


ЖП, ну кто тебе сказал, что это английский?


Хлоп'ята ніц не розуміють в українській
10 сен 11, 17:03    [11258521]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
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Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Кара Мерген
locky
Ну що, хлоп'ята, як тут у вас справи?
Що поробляєте?

Як, взагалі, справи, як життя?


ЖП, ну кто тебе сказал, что это английский?

Любий друже!
Якби ти розумів англійську, ти міг би й без моєї допомоги перекласти "and other languages"
але, на превеликий жаль, ти неспроможний самостійно перекласти це досить просте речення
10 сен 11, 17:04    [11258522]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
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Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Ololo
Кара Мерген
пропущено...


ЖП, ну кто тебе сказал, что это английский?


Хлоп'ята ніц не розуміють в українській

Та то пусте
ми їх навчимо
10 сен 11, 17:05    [11258524]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
Member [заблокирован]

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locky
Кара Мерген
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ЖП, ну кто тебе сказал, что это английский?

Любий друже!
Якби ти розумів англійську, ти міг би й без моєї допомоги перекласти "and other languages"
але, на превеликий жаль, ти неспроможний самостійно перекласти це досить просте речення


официальный язык форума - русский и ты как модератор несешь за это ответственность, трольская твоя морда
10 сен 11, 17:10    [11258535]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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locky
Ololo
пропущено...


Хлоп'ята ніц не розуміють в українській

Та то пусте
ми їх навчимо


и почему ты его не забанил? он нас холопами обозвал!
10 сен 11, 17:11    [11258536]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
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Кара Мерген
locky
пропущено...

Любий друже!
Якби ти розумів англійську, ти міг би й без моєї допомоги перекласти "and other languages"
але, на превеликий жаль, ти неспроможний самостійно перекласти це досить просте речення


официальный язык форума - русский и ты как модератор несешь за это ответственность, трольская твоя морда

Официальный язык темы - английский, и он не несёт за это ответственность! Трольская твоя лицо
10 сен 11, 17:12    [11258539]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
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Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Charles Weyland
Кара Мерген
пропущено...


официальный язык форума - русский и ты как модератор несешь за это ответственность, трольская твоя морда

Официальный язык темы - английский, и он не несёт за это ответственность! Трольская твоя лицо


офсисияльная языка темы - "и другия языка", трольские ваши фейсы!
10 сен 11, 17:14    [11258545]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Ololo
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Откуда: у Стейбла 34!...Чпок!
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Кара Мерген
locky
пропущено...

Та то пусте
ми їх навчимо


и почему ты его не забанил? он нас холопами обозвал!


Та невже? Ану покажи де?)
10 сен 11, 17:17    [11258550]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
AndriyKo
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Ololo
Кара Мерген
пропущено...


и почему ты его не забанил? он нас холопами обозвал!


Та невже? Ану покажи де?)

Вiн теж нi греця не розумiється на нашiй вельмишановнiй мовi.
10 сен 11, 17:23    [11258561]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Yossarian
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Откуда: Загрузочный сектор Москвы
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Alexander_Chepack
Charles Weyland
Jokes and all discussions on english here


What do you mean by "on English"?


Look, bro. Dis is English, see ?. And he's on it.
10 сен 11, 17:33    [11258574]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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locky
Charles Weyland
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Официальный язык темы - английский, и он не несёт за это ответственность! Трольская твоя лицо


офсисияльная языка темы - "и другия языка", трольские ваши фейсы!


ах ты морда трольская, гнать тебя в шею из модераторов!
10 сен 11, 17:34    [11258575]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Кара Мерген
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AndriyKo
Ololo
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Та невже? Ану покажи де?)

Вiн теж нi греця не розумiється на нашiй вельмишановнiй мовi.


вот только не надо делать вид, что я вашу селюбанскую мову не понимаю
10 сен 11, 17:34    [11258577]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
Member

Откуда: Харьков, Украина
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Кара Мерген
AndriyKo
пропущено...

Вiн теж нi греця не розумiється на нашiй вельмишановнiй мовi.


вот только не надо делать вид, что я вашу селюбанскую мову не понимаю

хто розуміє, ти?
Ой, та не кажи, кум!
10 сен 11, 18:31    [11258682]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
locky
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"ой, та не кажіть, куме!", блеать!
10 сен 11, 18:32    [11258683]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Cat2
Member

Откуда: Petroskoi, Karjala
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Торкалла-торкалла, тумаалла ряппушка, а тоо хариус!
10 сен 11, 18:35    [11258691]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Vasisualii Pupkin
Member

Откуда: Окраина Фукусимы
Сообщений: 2395
11 сен 11, 11:06    [11260030]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
glilya
Member

Откуда: садеска
Сообщений: 2916
янки го хоум
11 сен 11, 11:48    [11260078]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Chippollino.01
Member

Откуда: изнемагаю
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Мен сен сикаман
бир сум бераман
11 сен 11, 11:58    [11260097]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Alex721
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·––· ·–· ·· ·–– · – –···– ·––· –
14 сен 11, 12:30    [11274602]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Хохолъ
Member

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ху из ондьюти тудей?
14 сен 11, 12:39    [11274655]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Откуда: Сибирь
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Either people here don't speak English at all, either they are... shy?
14 сен 11, 12:40    [11274661]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
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shy
14 сен 11, 12:41    [11274675]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
Member

Откуда: Сибирь
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Did you know that there are two nouns in Russian having the following letter pattern: consonant1 - ь - consonant2 - ь?
Trying to find them is quite difficult for a human brain :)
14 сен 11, 12:44    [11274708]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
sendal
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Откуда: Азия
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Шпрехен зи дойч ?
14 сен 11, 12:47    [11274736]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
акуз-лингвист
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sendal
Шпрехен зи дойч ?
йа йа натюрлих! даст ист фантастишъ!
14 сен 11, 12:48    [11274745]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Откуда: Сибирь
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Who's next with his "же не манж па сиз жур"?
14 сен 11, 12:50    [11274754]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Хохолъ
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Członkowie Forum znanych polskich?
14 сен 11, 12:51    [11274771]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Хохолъ
Member

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You look a more yeah!
Doo-bop sale only
Sly tired saved now
Doo-bop Tom
I'd know and chew
Coat ouch only
So cold it pass E.P.
Crew go
Idiot no Levi's
Peace save or did
No private sky school
go award it
Tom shoe desert
Tom Lee shave broad it
Root sale cow no
wet back CD
Tom now never do mix
Door age car
Slim diner video nick
swear hey
Is Buch car?
Tom now cool Rich
no-spa
Stop it be is Akon
Edward A.
Tom sourse
cash a note
Sly Tom check it
Tom root sky doc
Tome root sew
pack net
Ilya, Tom, Bill
Me add pay way pill
Pose I'm tick low
Wrote new purple, o!
14 сен 11, 12:53    [11274804]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
J.Serge
Member [скрыт]

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Inego
Did you know that there are two nouns in Russian having the following letter pattern: consonant1 - ь - consonant2 - ь?
Trying to find them is quite difficult for a human brain :)


фальшь
14 сен 11, 12:54    [11274807]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
sendal
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Откуда: Азия
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акуз-лингвист
sendal
Шпрехен зи дойч ?
йа йа натюрлих! даст ист фантастишъ!

Дас ист ди грёссте шпрахе фон Гете унд Шиллер ... Унд Клаудиа Шиффер ...
14 сен 11, 12:54    [11274815]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
Member

Откуда: Сибирь
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J.Serge
Inego
Did you know that there are two nouns in Russian having the following letter pattern: consonant1 - ь - consonant2 - ь?
Trying to find them is quite difficult for a human brain :)


фальшь


You knew it, knew it!!! What about the second one?
14 сен 11, 12:58    [11274850]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Maxx
Member [скрыт]

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BTW WTF ??
14 сен 11, 13:12    [11274946]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
fedd
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самолет покидает индию.
блондинка заснула, а проснувшись, обнаружила на себе какого-то мужика, и спрашивает:
"Is it still India?"
"Yes, it's still in, dear"
14 сен 11, 13:23    [11275046]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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fedd
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старый английский анекдот. встречаются два англичанина заграницей:
- инглишмен?
- инглишмен.
- форин офис?
- форин офис!
- хомосекшуал?
- хомосесшуал!
- эктив?!
- сорри. пэссив... :(
14 сен 11, 13:25    [11275082]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Древогрыз
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я дзоу чифаня
14 сен 11, 13:30    [11275141]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
compot
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please speak albanian!
14 сен 11, 13:30    [11275143]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
fedd
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compot
please speak albanian!
fack zem oll!
14 сен 11, 13:31    [11275153]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
compot
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fedd
compot
please speak albanian!
fack zem oll!


як буде покiтайски "дас ист фантастиш"?
14 сен 11, 13:32    [11275170]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
J.Serge
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Inego
J.Serge
пропущено...


фальшь


You knew it, knew it!!! What about the second one?


Мля, какой ты занудный. "Вскользь" подойдет? Ты уверен, что их два?
14 сен 11, 23:33    [11278483]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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J.Serge
Inego
пропущено...


You knew it, knew it!!! What about the second one?


Мля, какой ты занудный. "Вскользь" подойдет? Ты уверен, что их два?

"Вскользь" is not a noun, man :) Think again :)
15 сен 11, 07:53    [11278749]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Shamanus
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Блог
Еомэ, зэраомэ ньыожъцlыкумрэ лъыжъцlыкумрэ щьыагъ. Бэрэ щьыэнха? Лlэжъыгъэх.
15 сен 11, 08:01    [11278758]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Shamanus, эт что, какой-то кавказский язык? Или просто тебя рандомом пропёрло?
15 сен 11, 08:15    [11278791]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Shamanus
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Inego
Shamanus, эт что, какой-то кавказский язык? Или просто тебя рандомом пропёрло?
это язык
мой родной разговорный.

А написанное выше - сказка.
15 сен 11, 08:16    [11278792]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Shamanus, перевод сказки и название языка в студию! Фхтагн.
15 сен 11, 08:18    [11278798]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Shamanus
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Блог
Inego,

Еомэ, - как то
зэраомэ - как рассказывают /судя по тому, что рассказывают
ньыожъцlыкумрэ - бабулька
лъыжъцlыкумрэ - и дедулька
щьыагъ. - существовали (в смысле жили)
Бэрэ щьыэнха? - долго ли жить старикам?
Лlэжъыгъэх. - померли.

адаптированный перевод - Жили были старик со старухой. Да разве долго проживут старики? Взяли и померли.

А язык адыгейский
15 сен 11, 08:23    [11278808]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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А адыгейский язык разве не относится к кавказским?
Сказка зачетная. "Жил он, жил... пока не помер."
15 сен 11, 08:25    [11278815]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Shamanus
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Откуда: мы пришли, кто мы, куда идем?
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Блог
Inego
А адыгейский язык разве не относится к кавказским?
Сказка зачетная. "Жил он, жил... пока не помер."
относится,
я когда написал "язык", я имел ввиду что ты прав насчет того, что это не рандом.

а сказку я рассказываю всем кто просит сказать что нить по адыгейски.
15 сен 11, 08:27    [11278821]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Лицеист
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Themselves some believe that in a poor and corrupt Russia is that possible? Now compare with the civilized countries, like Germany or the United States. And work at the plant will be relatives of directors and guest workers from Tajikistan.
15 сен 11, 08:39    [11278851]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Лицеист
Themselves some believe that in a poor and corrupt Russia is that possible? Now compare with the civilized countries, like Germany or the United States. And work at the plant will be relatives of directors and guest workers from Tajikistan.

Is this a product of Google Translate?
15 сен 11, 08:45    [11278873]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Лицеист
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Inego
Лицеист
Themselves some believe that in a poor and corrupt Russia is that possible? Now compare with the civilized countries, like Germany or the United States. And work at the plant will be relatives of directors and guest workers from Tajikistan.

Is this a product of Google Translate?

Йес, энд зыс.
15 сен 11, 08:47    [11278877]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Not only has the topic name an incorrect preposition in it ("ON English"), there's also a freakin' typo in its second word! "Speak engilsh?"
Ain't I attentive, huh?
15 сен 11, 09:06    [11278922]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Лицеист
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Inego
Ain't I attentive, huh?

attentive troll
15 сен 11, 09:08    [11278930]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Inego
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Лицеист
Inego
Ain't I attentive, huh?

attentive troll
Attentive, and speaking above-the-average English!
15 сен 11, 09:25    [11278989]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
compot
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Alcohol drinks only loosers! (C) Teapot
15 сен 11, 09:51    [11279099]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Perehod
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Ololo! Ololo! I am the spy of UFO!
15 сен 11, 10:11    [11279227]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Лицеист
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Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here
compot
Alcohol drinks only loosers! (C) Teapot

Пипец онглечане.
15 сен 11, 10:13    [11279234]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
fedd
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compot
Alcohol drinks only loosers! (C) Teapot


К сообщению приложен файл. Размер - 55Kb
15 сен 11, 10:25    [11279330]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
авторh
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What's the best thing of having sex with twenty three years old?

+

it's twenty of them
15 сен 11, 10:53    [11279514]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
fedd
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авторh
What's the best thing of having sex with twenty three years old?

+
+

it's twenty of them
жоская педофилия?
15 сен 11, 11:00    [11279572]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
авторh
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fedd
авторh
What's the best thing of having sex with twenty three years old?

++
+

it's twenty of them
жоская педофилия?

Yeap. sickipedia has lots of it. Disregarding that

Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
+

The wheelchair.
15 сен 11, 11:07    [11279645]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
fedd
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авторh
fedd
пропущено...
жоская педофилия?

Yeap. sickipedia has lots of it. Disregarding that

Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
+
+

The wheelchair.
this remided me a joke from linux startup quotes, not that sick but still:

Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.
15 сен 11, 11:09    [11279667]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
LordOfIce
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In the ten class, we wrote a brief essay. Here's mine:
"hello!
I like porn more than real women. What is this mean? I don't know. In porn videos
beautiful actress have big boobs, well-groomed pussy and ass clean. Women lose out in the
real world porn actress on almost all criteria. I love watching classic sex, anal sex and
gangbang, but I don't like to look like a woman sucking dick (cum), because she is at this
point looks at the man. I think it must suck dick only, but don't look at the man who
sucks dick. sometimes I think that... porn I ever replace a real woman in my life.
I like the porn actress and I hope they like me too.
by-by!"

проверяющая прочитала про себя все мини эссе (улыбалась), когда прозвенел звонок и все
пошли на выход, she sad to me "А ты мистер-твистер (да да, она так и сказала) останься".
Я вздрогнул и ответил: "What do you want from me?" и
она ответила: "I want you to me taken back (in the dog pose)",
я воскрикнул: "you are stupid woman, and also blind! Go and reread my essay"
и в завершении, выходя из класса: "said a triumphant by by!".
17 сен 11, 16:11    [11292788]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
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haha
fun
but I didn't understand last two sentences.. :( What do you mean?
17 сен 11, 16:24    [11292821]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
Между сообщениями интервал более 1 года.
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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I am not a massage fan. The once or twice I've experienced them I actually suffered pain
Every time it was in an Asian business setting where I was dragged off to a "spa"
There was once little 30kg beauty who made such a "crack" noise when she twisted my neck
I thought she had done me serious damage just from the sound. Have you ever been happy
to find you could wiggle your toes. I was.
Anyway
There I am in Chaweng. Drinking beer , shooting the breeze with a few.
"Massage" , says I , "no thank you , they scare and hurt me"
"You have to try an oil massage , it's not the same" one guy says.
Anyway
Many Changs later , I'm in this massage place and I pick a girl.
She's not the prettiest , she's just got the weakest looking arms.
I explain I want an oil massage , not the rough stuff.
Kit off , shower , belly down on the table and it starts.
Your man was right , it was not the same. This girl had the softest hands ever.
The problem came when she asked me to turn over.
She looked down and I looked down and I could see what she was looking at.
She made this very expressive , fingers curled hand gesture and said "you want"?
I sighed and said "yeah OK"
She left the room
She was gone 10 or 15 minutes
With the air-con I was chilly and the original problem had very much subsided.
Finally there's a tap on the door.
"YES!" I says
Door opens , girl pokes her head round and say "have you finished?"
20 сен 16, 10:48    [19686304]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
барабанчик
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я ни понял почему нарушается правило форума по поводу использования иностранных языков? деда приди, порядок наведи!
20 сен 16, 10:57    [19686346]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
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барабанчик
я ни понял почему нарушается правило форума по поводу использования иностранных языков? деда приди, порядок наведи!

В своё время тема создана как утиль для всех, у кого недержание to speak ченибудь на english.
Так что не нарушай тут на своей кириллице rules of the topic.
20 сен 16, 11:13    [19686435]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
slavik1c
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hi gays!
20 сен 16, 11:20    [19686480]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Sad_But_False
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Откуда: от вирблюда
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ахтунг
20 сен 16, 11:24    [19686536]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Charles Weyland
В своё время тема создана как утиль для всех, у кого недержание to speak ченибудь на english.

agreed one hundred percent!
20 сен 16, 11:38    [19686631]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Герой дня
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Wello PT!

What are you doing now ?
20 сен 16, 11:41    [19686658]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

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kpu3uc
Charles Weyland
В своё время тема создана как утиль для всех, у кого недержание to speak ченибудь на english.

agreed one hundred percent!

percents, ибо plural.
20 сен 16, 11:41    [19686661]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
IT-Клоп
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инглиш-хуинглиш. Западных варваров - гнать поганой метлой!
20 сен 16, 11:46    [19686693]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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IT-Клоп
инглиш-хуинглиш. Западных варваров - гнать поганой метлой!

why are you so mad at the language of Shakespeare and Margareth Thatcher?
20 сен 16, 12:02    [19686822]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Sad_But_False
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kpu3uc
IT-Клоп
инглиш-хуинглиш. Западных варваров - гнать поганой метлой!

why are you so mad at the language of Shakespeare and Margareth Thatcher?

Шекспир говорил на другом английском а тетчер просто с**а
20 сен 16, 12:09    [19686853]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
1024
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лет ми спик фром май харт ин енглиш:

автор
Anti-Margaret Thatcher song Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead fails to reach number one

An online anti-Margaret Thatcher campaign failed to get the song ‘Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead’ to the top of the official UK singles chart on Sunday evening, instead reaching the number two slot.

BBC Radio 1 played a five-second excerpt of the song, sung by Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz, while a Newsbeat reporter explained its significance to listeners, but the corporation decided against airing the 51-second track in full.
...
Lord Parkinson, a member of her Cabinet, said she would not have been upset by people celebrating her death because “she was convinced that what she was doing was the right thing from Britain”.


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/margaret-thatcher/9993713/Anti-Margaret-Thatcher-song-Ding-Dong-The-Witch-is-Dead-fails-to-reach-number-one.html

по-моему образец английского юмора
20 сен 16, 12:26    [19686949]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Народный Айтист
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phuck off
20 сен 16, 13:03    [19687106]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Герой дня
PT!

JS. Just spiel.
20 сен 16, 13:06    [19687119]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
OoCc
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Откуда: с Кавказа
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Charles Weyland
kpu3uc
пропущено...

agreed one hundred percent!

percents, ибо plural.

hundred percent --> hundred per cent --> hundred per hundred --> сто из ста
20 сен 16, 13:35    [19687249]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Народный Айтист
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OoCc,

what is you potsekhui ?
20 сен 16, 13:42    [19687303]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Где мультиселект
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фуцкью
20 сен 16, 13:52    [19687364]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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OoCc
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Откуда: с Кавказа
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Народный Айтист
OoCc,

what is you potsekhui ?

My potsekhui 22sm. What is yours?
20 сен 16, 14:23    [19687531]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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J.Serge
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Inego
J.Serge

фальшь


You knew it, knew it!!! What about the second one?


+После пяти лет размышлений :)

сельдь.

PS: И, блиадь, да - я knew it
21 сен 16, 09:01    [19690162]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Колобашкин
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зашёл посмотреть, что у вас тут за клуб иностранных педоразов свидомых
ничего интересного.
Fuck You !
21 сен 16, 09:04    [19690169]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
1024
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Откуда: Нижний Новгород
Сообщений: 13991
автор
Саммит Евросоюза в Братиславе разработал дорожную карту реформ сообщества в связи с выходом Великобритании из ЕС блаблабла


сколько не читаю такое, никак не могу к дебилам переводящим roadmap (карта пути, направления) как "дорожная карта". Дорожная карта это карта которую берут в дорогу, дебилы. Как дорожная сумка, например.
21 сен 16, 10:00    [19690368]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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1024
сколько не читаю такое, никак не могу к дебилам переводящим roadmap (карта пути, направления) как "дорожная карта". Дорожная карта это карта которую берут в дорогу, дебилы. Как дорожная сумка, например.

тупо калькируют с другого языка
и таких моментов много
ещё в кино бывает, когда один говорит другому, что у него кто-то умер, а другой говорит "Sorry" - переводят как "Прости" или "Извини", хотя правильный перевод "Мне жаль"
21 сен 16, 10:43    [19690579]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was all too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
21 сен 16, 16:53    [19693190]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Герой дня
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kpu3uc
Герой дня
PT!

JS. Just spiel.


Sorry for my poor English, but explain this line, please.
21 сен 16, 17:04    [19693241]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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i meant, if PT stands for "Prosto trep", in English it would be JS which is an abbreviation of "Just spiel"
21 сен 16, 17:10    [19693268]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.
25 сен 16, 09:05    [19705425]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Картинка с другого сайта.
25 сен 16, 18:08    [19706038]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Картинка с другого сайта.
25 сен 16, 18:10    [19706041]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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What's the difference between sex and the US Presidential elections?

In sex, the decision to choose the cunt or the arsehole is a pleasure.
25 сен 16, 18:49    [19706094]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you ever hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes!

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
27 сен 16, 10:40    [19712166]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I can not run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
27 сен 16, 10:43    [19712179]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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How many tourette's sufferer's does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?
27 сен 16, 10:51    [19712227]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Картинка с другого сайта.
2 окт 16, 16:45    [19734957]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Only Quotes
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https://www.lingvolive.com/ru-ru/community/posts/200325

Картинка с другого сайта.

Любите смотреть кинофильмы и сериалы об американской полиции без перевода?
Тогда вы не могли не услышать особый жаргон американских полицейских.
Вот лишь несколько примеров чёрного полицейского юмора:

ORGAN DONOR (дословно: донор органов) – мотоциклист без шлема
SCOOBY SNACK (закуска для Скуби-ду) – покусанный служебной собакой человек

Шутят любители пончиков и друг над другом:
BLUE FLAMER (синий огнемёт) – новичок-полицейский, романтичный парень, который пытается спасти весь мир
ZEBRA – сержант, которого все недолюбливают
CANOE MAKER (тот, кто делает каноэ) – судмедэксперт

Но больше всего полицейские любят отдыхать от своей тяжёлой и опасной работы:
WALK THE DOG – сделать короткий перерыв на отдых
SWINGS (качели) – выходные
ON THE BEACH (на пляже) – так романтично отзываются об отстранённом от службы сотруднике

Умеют находить место для шуток и самоиронии американские полицейские!
И список подобных выражений всё время пополняется!
2 окт 16, 21:46    [19735405]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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https://www.lingvolive.com/ru-ru/community/posts/200325
BLUE FLAMER (синий огнемёт) –

у flamer значение не только огнемёт. это ещё и "Extremely flamboyant homosexual. Very bright clothing, loud speach, upbeat attitude, often noisy or annoying, intrusive. Very very gay... "
2 окт 16, 22:25    [19735516]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Fingering a fat girl, is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine
3 окт 16, 18:18    [19738737]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant!
5 окт 16, 07:49    [19744489]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Гитан Майран
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fak uoy
5 окт 16, 10:48    [19745017]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Charles Weyland
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kpu3uc
I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant!

arctic fox
5 окт 16, 10:52    [19745055]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
5 окт 16, 12:10    [19745541]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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A store that sells husbands has just opened in Zimbabwe , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.*
*Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!*
5 окт 16, 12:12    [19745550]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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If God meant us to be vegetarian, why did he make animals out of meat?
5 окт 16, 12:13    [19745563]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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What is it that Muslims find sexy about ninjas?
6 окт 16, 18:53    [19752445]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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"Hello, Police? I would like to report an incident. I was walking naked along a nudist beach when all of a sudden a huge woman jumped on me and tried to force me to 69 her."

"Ok sir, do you know the woman?"

"No, but I got a good look at the cunt."
6 окт 16, 18:55    [19752457]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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I'm so excited. My girlfriend and I took the next step in our relationship last night.
She went from the being the girl in my binoculars to the girl in my basement.
6 окт 16, 18:58    [19752472]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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IT companies should look to Islamic state to recruit SQL developers

They know a good execution plan when they see one.
6 окт 16, 19:01    [19752476]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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You know your porn habit is getting out of hand when you have a wank on your girlfriend, and it feels like you're cheating on your laptop.
7 окт 16, 12:06    [19754538]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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How do we know Batman isn't a nigger?

Because he can go out at night without Robin
7 окт 16, 12:08    [19754552]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Где мультиселект
Member

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kpu3uc
Robin


чёэто?
7 окт 16, 12:30    [19754690]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Перегонщик перекупки
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all emerging in this topic deported to Kazakhstan
7 окт 16, 12:32    [19754698]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Где мультиселект
kpu3uc
Robin


чёэто?

смысл анекдота в игре слов Robin/robbin'
7 окт 16, 12:34    [19754720]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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My name is Jafar
I come from afar
There is Note 7 in my car
Allahu Akbar
7 окт 16, 17:47    [19756898]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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I have to get rid of my memory-foam mattress.

It knows too much.
7 окт 16, 17:52    [19756927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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My girlfriend said to me "I want you to make love to me like they do in the movies babe"

So I slapped her ass a dozen times and pulled her cheeks apart, squeezed her boobs, bit the nibs, fucked her in the ass, half strangled her to orgasm, pulled out and forced her head down and jizzed in her mouth.

It turns out we don't watch the same movies
7 окт 16, 17:52    [19756935]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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A white fairy story starts with "Once upon a time"

A black fairy story starts with "Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna b'lieve dis shit"
7 окт 16, 18:22    [19757047]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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My young daughter asked me this morning.

"Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?"

"Nothing darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head
10 окт 16, 12:58    [19763616]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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This morning, I got beaten up by a large breasted woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said

"Could you please press one"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.
10 окт 16, 13:01    [19763651]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"It's the Police, sir."

"You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit."

"We know, Sir, the Phone Box has glass sides!"
11 окт 16, 11:51    [19768210]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow... what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
11 окт 16, 11:52    [19768218]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Allah."

"Allah who?"

"Allah hu Akbar!!! Kaboooom!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
11 окт 16, 12:09    [19768337]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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I always wondered what it would be like to have sex with a Chinese girl.

So last night, when I was fucking my wife, I stuck a slice of lemon in her mouth.
17 окт 16, 16:34    [19791342]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Diarrhea: The gay guys period.
17 окт 16, 16:36    [19791357]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
1024
Member

Откуда: Нижний Новгород
Сообщений: 13991
автор
When the Second World War
Came to an end
We forgave the Germans
And we were friends
Though they murdered six million
In the ovens they fried
The Germans now too
Have God on their side

I’ve learned to hate Russians
All through my whole life
If another war starts
It’s them we must fight
To hate them and fear them
To run and to hide
And accept it all bravely
With God on my side


варианты перевода:

1. в конце войны мы простили немцев и они теперь наши друзья
я теперь ненавижу русских и мы будем их мочить, с нами бог

2. людям навязывают говно в башку и если бог с нами, то он остановит следующую войну

3. ненавидели немцев, воевали против них, а теперь друзья. теперь нас учат ненавидеть русских, и если начнется новая война, то надо будет боятся их и ненавидеть, бежать и прятаться
и все это принимать с Богом на моей стороне

какой точнее?
18 окт 16, 11:00    [19793550]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
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1024, это откуда вообще
18 окт 16, 11:04    [19793581]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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1024
какой точнее?

ты перечислил не варианты перевода, а варианты смысла )
18 окт 16, 11:06    [19793595]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Charles Weyland
1024, это откуда вообще

это Боб Дилан
18 окт 16, 11:07    [19793597]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him .
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."The elder nodded in agreement.The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the elder leaned back and smiled:
"Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
18 окт 16, 12:00    [19793927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Women are like a KFC

When you have finished with the breasts and the thighs,all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in
18 окт 16, 12:02    [19793936]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Насяльника
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Откуда:
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юаэсхол
18 окт 16, 12:03    [19793941]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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When Osama Bin Laden died and arrived in the afterlife, Mohammed welcomed him and said, "Here is what you were promised."
Osama looked round and saw a crowd of red-necked yokels coming towards him threateningly.
"What's this?" Osama demanded.
Mohammed replied, "The 72 Virginians that I promised. Why, what did you think I said?"
18 окт 16, 12:06    [19793957]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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интересно, русское слово "пай" (паёк) имеет отношение к слову pie?
18 окт 16, 12:48    [19794236]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
i45
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kpu3uc
интересно, русское слово "пай" (паёк) имеет отношение к слову pie?


Пай - Заимств. из тур., крым.-тат., тат. раi «часть, участок, пай».

Pie - Middle English: probably the same word as pie2, the various combinations of ingredients being compared to objects randomly collected by a magpie.
18 окт 16, 12:53    [19794268]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Magpie
Someone who hangs at the train station or bus stop or anywhere public all day long, usually asking for a cigarette, spare change or pocket lint. Usually unemployed and unemployable, using nothing but slang, and usually impossible to get rid of, until threatened with violence.

Called magpies because if they have gotten it once, they'll expect it again, and again, regardless of who it is.
Person 1 : Yeah, so anyway, me and this chick...
Magpie : 'Ey man, u gutta spare smoke i can borrow??
Person 1 : No, go away
Magpie : Please man, i havent had one all day...please....
Person 1 : I saw you smoking 10 minutes ago, fuck off
Person 2 : GO AWAY you fucking mapie
Magpie : Pleeaase man, i'll pay you back
etc
18 окт 16, 12:58    [19794310]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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ещё интересные совпадения.
иногда голову человека называют "балдой". при этом лысый по-английски bald
а слова mojo и "мужик" точно имеют что-то общее
19 окт 16, 10:56    [19798509]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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A marriage counsellor asked a couple, what they had in common.

The husband says, " Well, for starters, neither of us suck dick."
19 окт 16, 16:50    [19800896]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence.

Because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I can fuck her.
19 окт 16, 16:51    [19800903]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Woman: Cancer!
Doctor: What a fucking coincidence!
19 окт 16, 16:55    [19800919]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.

So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
21 окт 16, 12:41    [19808631]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Farmer Brown is ploughing his field when his plough breaks, so he thinks for a bit and decides to ask his neighbour, Farmer Jones, if he could lend him his plough so that he could get the job finished.

As he’s walking over the field towards Farmer Jones’s, Farmer Brown is thinking about how he’ll ask to borrow Farmer Jones’s plough and how the conversation will go….

So I’ll say, “Hello Farmer Jones, could I borrow your plough please?”

And he’ll ask, “Why do you want to borrow my plough?”

I’ll answer, “Because mine’s broken.”

And he’ll ask, “What if you break mine?”

I’ll say, “Well I’d buy you a new one.”

He’ll say, “If you could afford to buy me a new one, why don’t you just buy yourself a new one in the first place?”

By this time, Brown was at Farmer Jones’s farmhouse so he knocked on the front door and waited for Farmer Jones to answer. After a few moments Farmer Jones opens the door and says, “Good morning Farmer Brown, what can I do for you today?”

Farmer Brown snaps “Poke your plough up your arse!”
21 окт 16, 12:42    [19808637]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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My mate's girlfriend, Wendy, was dancing on a table in the club.

"Good legs," I said to him.

"Do you really think so?," he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "most other tables would've collapsed under that weight."
21 окт 16, 12:46    [19808676]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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DAUGHTER: "Daddy, what's that noise that comes from your bedroom at night? I hear angry voices and fast knocking against the wall."

DAD: "Oh, it's just wrestling, my love."

DAUGHTER: Hooray! Then mummy's a wrestling champion! She beats all the wrestlers that come to the house at night whenever you do night shifts. It only takes her 15 minutes. I'm proud of mummy.
23 окт 16, 10:16    [19813112]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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What have a job and a blowjob got in common?

Both usually involve a bloke having the life sucked out of him.
23 окт 16, 10:26    [19813119]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Did you know Pakistan has a space program.

It sends pakistanis to Britain so as to make more space in their country!
23 окт 16, 10:29    [19813121]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

"Its only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

"Watch the fucking road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."
25 окт 16, 13:42    [19819732]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Gc2112
Member

Откуда: USA, PA
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kpu3uc
"Your phone just went,"

это в каком диалекте так говорят?
25 окт 16, 14:21    [19819948]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Gc2112
это в каком диалекте так говорят?

went off обычно говорят. устоявшееся выражение
your phone went off
25 окт 16, 14:42    [19820090]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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видимо, это распространилось на телефоны с выражения про сигналку. например, office fire alarm (is going/went) off
25 окт 16, 14:45    [19820105]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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If your parachute doesn't deploy...

You have the rest of your life to fix it.
27 окт 16, 17:41    [19829994]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Zashibis
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Откуда: +2 жизни
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Read this one
27 окт 16, 18:24    [19830139]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Zashibis
Read this one

всё куета
чтобы выучить язык, надо а) читать, б) слушать в) говорить
и не 2 часа в день, а поболее
27 окт 16, 18:30    [19830154]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Zashibis
Member

Откуда: +2 жизни
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kpu3uc
Zashibis
Read this one

всё куета
чтобы выучить язык, надо а) читать, б) слушать в) говорить
и не 2 часа в день, а поболее
I'm sorry, I don't understand you.
27 окт 16, 18:54    [19830233]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Zashibis
I'm sorry, I don't understand you.

i mean, it's all bullshit. to learn a language you should only read, listen and speak it, more than 2 hours a day
persistence is the key to success
27 окт 16, 21:18    [19830682]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked.

"No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."

* The Big Issue is a magazine published on behalf of and sold by homeless
28 окт 16, 18:38    [19835236]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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I went on a blind date last night, she was pretty and things were going very well.

Over dinner she asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated a bit then said, "Well, a while back I was on a stag night and my mate gave me an inflatable sheep. Sometimes if I'm feeling a bit lonely I get it out, blow it up and give it a good shagging.

Okay, now it's your turn! Tell me your guilty pleasures!"

She replied, "Erm, The Carpenters and Justin Bieber."
28 окт 16, 18:56    [19835278]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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Roses are red
Turnips are greener
When i think of you
I play with my weiner
28 окт 16, 19:02    [19835289]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
29 окт 16, 10:22    [19836386]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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A Chinese baby was born prematurely.

Parents named him Sudden Lee.
29 окт 16, 10:30    [19836389]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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I love Halloween.
Its the only time I can wear my KKK outfit and get away with it.

***

"I thought Halloween was over!" said my son looking out the window.
I told him, "It's been over for weeks now."
"Then why are there 50 people dressed up like ghosts knocking on Leroy's door?"
30 окт 16, 22:08    [19839611]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
2 ноя 16, 21:10    [19852767]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.
10 ноя 16, 15:37    [19879802]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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A bloke goes into an antique shop and sees a small brass cat statue he rather likes. He asks the shop owner "how much for the brass cat?" the owner replies "£50 for the cat and £250 for it's story" the man thinks and says "I'll just take the cat thanks" He leaves the shop with the statue under his arm and notices a couple of cats behind him. He walks on and more and more cats follow until there are about one hundred. He gets scared and throws the brass cat into a nearby river and all the cats jump in and drown. He goes back to the shop and the owner says "I see you couldn't resist coming back for the cats story then" "no" replies the bloke " have you got any brass pakis"
10 ноя 16, 15:51    [19879880]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Roslyn
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Откуда: Failed state
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kpu3uc
Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.


Maybe - note to your self?
10 ноя 16, 15:52    [19879885]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
Member

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Roslyn
Maybe - note to your self?

не, to self
10 ноя 16, 15:59    [19879917]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

Откуда: Feorina "Fury" 161
Сообщений: 4080
kpu3uc
Roslyn
Maybe - note to your self?

не, to self


proof: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=note to self&defid=751160
10 ноя 16, 16:02    [19879935]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
песняр
Member

Откуда: Казань
Сообщений: 1798
Не шутка, но спрошу у знатоков.
Как-то на оДеске отправил заказчику проекта следующее:
+

Hello!
I have good knowledge in linear programming (theory and realization).

We know:
- project count (n)
- resource count (m)
- period count (k)
- amounts of each recources needed to each projects (ex: project N need - 10 res1, 20 res2, 5 res3)
- limit of total resources usage for each period

We must know:
- how many resource X used by project Y in the period Z
(from this data we also may know the start dates of projects)

I correctly understand?

Additional questions:

1) General goal of LP task is finding minimum or maximum of target function. It means what all variable has the weight coefficient. In your task I don't see this coefficient. (e.g. cost of using recource X to project Y in period Z)

2) Resource usage is integer or fractional?

If fractional then it's standard linear programming task.
If integer then it's integer numberic linear programming task and need another (extended) methods to solve.

I have experience to solve both types.

3) In sample .xls file is phrase "Each project contains a planned amount of work for each period of time (displayed along the top of the x-axis)".
I don't found it.

Понимаю, что точно есть корявости, но, в целом, смысл мне донести удалось?
Ответа на этот запрос от заказчика я не получил.
24 ноя 16, 18:54    [19931288]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Charles Weyland
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ё-моё. Хоть бы гуглтранслейтером пользовался.
Существительное-глагол-остальные члены.
I know!
Do you know? - вместо "You know?"
Does she know that?
Did I understand you correctly? - вместо того, что ты написал.

>>We know:
это типа "We should know" что ли? Ты хотел написать "Мы знаем" или "нам желательно знать"?


песняр
It means what all variable has the weight coefficient

все переменная? Вообще все переменная? Переменная - все.
ну ведь гугл транслейтер же:
It means that all variables have a weighting factor.
вполне годный текст выдаёт.

>> I don't see this coefficient.
such - такую переменную. А не "эту" переменную.

хотя, конечно, тут весь текст переделывать надо. Ты пишешь по-русски английскими словами. Не пользуешься "a/the" и в целом отсутствуют признаки деловой переписки (см. "деловая переписка на английском" в яндексе)
24 ноя 16, 19:17    [19931345]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Народный Айтист
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прикольно такой файл создать

fuck.you
24 ноя 16, 19:23    [19931355]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Alex123F
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советская подводная всплыла в америкозных водах.
идет конспирация под америкозную лодку,
поэтому команда разговаривает на инглиш когда проплывает патруль.
- Товаrrе капітане го то зе їсти боrrшчхь
- Окей заrrаз іджюююю
24 ноя 16, 19:54    [19931432]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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песняр
Member

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Charles Weyland
ё-моё. Хоть бы гуглтранслейтером пользовался.
Существительное-глагол-остальные члены.
I know!
Do you know? - вместо "You know?"
Does she know that?
Did I understand you correctly? - вместо того, что ты написал.

>>We know:
это типа "We should know" что ли? Ты хотел написать "Мы знаем" или "нам желательно знать"?


песняр
It means what all variable has the weight coefficient

все переменная? Вообще все переменная? Переменная - все.
ну ведь гугл транслейтер же:
It means that all variables have a weighting factor.
вполне годный текст выдаёт.

>> I don't see this coefficient.
such - такую переменную. А не "эту" переменную.

хотя, конечно, тут весь текст переделывать надо. Ты пишешь по-русски английскими словами. Не пользуешься "a/the" и в целом отсутствуют признаки деловой переписки (см. "деловая переписка на английском" в яндексе)

Благодарю за замечания.
В общем, мой общальный английский хромает на обе ноги.
Необходимо подтянуть.
24 ноя 16, 20:13    [19931465]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’” (кто не понял, подсказка: надо читать contagious, как два слога)
28 ноя 16, 07:26    [19941203]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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очень нравится, как формулируется по-английски стандартный вопрос "кем вы работаете"
вернее, как он отличается от русского
what do you do for a living
буквально, чем зарабатываете на жизнь
т.е. акцент как бы не на процессе, а на результате
29 ноя 16, 11:43    [19946396]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
ARN
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London is the capital of Great Britain!
29 ноя 16, 11:49    [19946423]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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порвало до слёз

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord".
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing . "A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
29 ноя 16, 11:56    [19946476]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Charles Weyland
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kpu3uc
очень нравится, как формулируется по-английски стандартный вопрос "кем вы работаете"
вернее, как он отличается от русского
what do you do for a living
буквально, чем зарабатываете на жизнь
т.е. акцент как бы не на процессе, а на результате

офигенно)) не знал.
Если русский скажет "Кем вы работаете?" американцу по русской привычке: "What is your profession?" - тот поймёт нормально.
Но если американец спросит "what do you do for a living" по американской привычке: "Ты чем вообще по жизни чем занят?", то его могут неправильно понять.
29 ноя 16, 12:01    [19946501]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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kpu3uc
OK smart ass

ещё нравится, что в англ есть дословное выражение, соответствующее нашему "хитрожопик"
29 ноя 16, 14:29    [19947302]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
sugraf
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kpu3uc
At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’” (кто не понял, подсказка: надо читать contagious, как два слога)
для тех кто все равно не понял читать нужно как "cunt ages" (если правильно понял, по нашему это вроде как "пи*дец как долго")
29 ноя 16, 15:05    [19947509]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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sugraf
для тех кто все равно не понял читать нужно как "cunt ages" (если правильно понял, по нашему это вроде как "пи*дец как долго")

it’s gonna take ages - это займёт вечность
а it’s gonna take that cunt ages - "у этого пиздюка (соседа) на это уйдёт вечность"
29 ноя 16, 15:42    [19947739]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Charles Weyland
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Я вот сейчас сижу и думаю, как корректно перевести "личный кабинет" на английский?
Как всякие "web-кабинет","личный кабинет" в англ.языке называют? private profile, web account... ещё как-то?
29 ноя 16, 16:54    [19948201]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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user account
29 ноя 16, 16:56    [19948210]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Верблюд
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просто ПРОФИЛЬ
29 ноя 16, 16:59    [19948224]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Цитата #442553
via Bash.Org.Ru
захожу вчера в офис, вижу, шеф сидит на диванчике и задумчиво разглядывает внутренности своей шапке. подхожу поздороваться, он говорит:
- представляешь, у меня шапка сделана из меха мертвого кролика. вот, на ярлычке написано.
читаю: "dyed rabbit fur".
9 дек 16, 10:45    [19983545]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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An insect falls into a mug of beer.

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.

American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian: Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani: Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
9 дек 16, 10:50    [19983565]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
1024
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урок английского от профессионала

вот ду ю вонт?
дебилы, бл...
ю кен гет аут!

10 дек 16, 12:08    [19987611]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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MasterZiv
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fcuk off all
11 дек 16, 22:18    [19990927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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I've just checked my wife's internet history, I think she's planning on taking me to a place called Pen island for Christmas.
She's visited penisland.com loads this week.
27 дек 16, 16:15    [20053410]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Jesus loves you. A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
5 янв 17, 10:53    [20074475]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Лизоблюд
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kpu3uc
I've just checked my wife's internet history, I think she's planning on taking me to a place called Pen island for Christmas.
She's visited penisland.com loads this week.
5 янв 17, 10:57    [20074482]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Лизоблюд
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Может я и дебил, но мне удалось разобраться в этой дебильной английской конструкции I have been learning.... (в немецком и французском таких конструкций нет, когда используются одновременно два вспомогательных глагола).
5 янв 17, 11:00    [20074484]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Bango Bongo
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Лизоблюд
Может я и дебил, но мне удалось разобраться в этой дебильной английской конструкции I have been learning.... (в немецком и французском таких конструкций нет, когда используются одновременно два вспомогательных глагола).


i should have been learning ещё круче
5 янв 17, 11:01    [20074488]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Bango Bongo
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No fucker uses proper English nowadays .
5 янв 17, 11:04    [20074493]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Лизоблюд
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Bango Bongo
Лизоблюд
Может я и дебил, но мне удалось разобраться в этой дебильной английской конструкции I have been learning.... (в немецком и французском таких конструкций нет, когда используются одновременно два вспомогательных глагола).


i should have been learning ещё круче

Английский - уродский язык. Другое дело русский язык.
5 янв 17, 11:06    [20074498]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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6 янв 17, 13:12    [20077285]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Tayfur
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Will Will Smith smith? Yes, Will Smith will smith!
9 янв 17, 10:30    [20083820]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Tayfur
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Bango Bongo
Лизоблюд
Может я и дебил, но мне удалось разобраться в этой дебильной английской конструкции I have been learning.... (в немецком и французском таких конструкций нет, когда используются одновременно два вспомогательных глагола).


i should have been learning ещё круче

Из какой-то русской классики:
"..имел возможность быть посетителем.."
9 янв 17, 10:36    [20083850]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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bochkov
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хай мач из де фиш
иф ю уант э литл секс
фак де дог хиз нэйм и рекс
9 янв 17, 10:39    [20083860]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, but by the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.
9 янв 17, 15:48    [20085173]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.
All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?
"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.
"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man
"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"
The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!
4 фев 17, 21:57    [20181020]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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I was in the doctor's waiting room the other day when I saw a seven year old girl playing with Barbie and Ken dolls.
She'd got them both stripped off and at it doggy style.
I said to her jokingly "Be careful or you might fill the waiting room with babies"
"I don't think so, he's giving it to her up the shitter" she replied
10 фев 17, 17:24    [20201479]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Due to Angela Merkel's immigration policies the German national anthem will now begin, "Deutschland, Deutschland, Ünter Allah."
10 фев 17, 17:25    [20201483]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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The dyslexic prostitute got a job in a warehouse
10 фев 17, 17:27    [20201487]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Ихтиандр
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kpu3uc
I was in the doctor's waiting room the other day when I saw a seven year old girl playing with Barbie and Ken dolls.
She'd got them both stripped off and at it doggy style.
I said to her jokingly "Be careful or you might fill the waiting room with babies"
"I don't think so, he's giving it to her up the shitter" she replied

не понял
10 фев 17, 18:03    [20201598]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Ихтиандр
kpu3uc
I was in the doctor's waiting room the other day when I saw a seven year old girl playing with Barbie and Ken dolls.
She'd got them both stripped off and at it doggy style.
I said to her jokingly "Be careful or you might fill the waiting room with babies"
"I don't think so, he's giving it to her up the shitter" she replied

не понял

Ken's givin it up to Barbie up the shitter hence, no babies
10 фев 17, 18:07    [20201612]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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kpu3uc
Ken's givin it up to Barbie up the shitter hence, no babies
10 фев 17, 18:09    [20201617]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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PA
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Ихтиандр
kpu3uc
I was in the doctor's waiting room the other day when I saw a seven year old girl playing with Barbie and Ken dolls.
She'd got them both stripped off and at it doggy style.
I said to her jokingly "Be careful or you might fill the waiting room with babies"
"I don't think so, he's giving it to her up the shitter" she replied

не понял


Типа, анал.

А я вот про таксидермиста не совсем понял - типа, валлийцы овцелюбы?
10 фев 17, 18:26    [20201641]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Ихтиандр
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А я думал give it up - давать, а не иметь.
10 фев 17, 18:28    [20201646]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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PA
А я вот про таксидермиста не совсем понял - типа, валлийцы овцелюбы?
они для бритов типа наших кауказцев
10 фев 17, 18:29    [20201647]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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А я думал give it up - давать, а не иметь.

to give up это сдаваться, бросать какое-то занятие

а вот to give it to someone up the [some part of the body] - это уже...
10 фев 17, 18:32    [20201653]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Three families live in a tower block. A white family, a black family and a mexican family. Suddenly, a plane crashes into the building. What family survives?

The white family, since the kids were at school, and the parents were at work.
16 фев 17, 14:13    [20217805]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Roslyn
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раньше белые отдыхали, а черные и мексы работали, теперь наоборот
16 фев 17, 14:14    [20217808]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies. The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
16 фев 17, 14:16    [20217815]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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я думал, это чисто русский анекдот про водку

A guy walks into a bar, orders six Jägermeister shots.
The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?
The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob".
The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".
The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".
16 фев 17, 14:25    [20217861]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
3 мар 17, 17:37    [20261327]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Ive had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.

It gives the illusion that the wife is moving when we're having sex.
3 мар 17, 17:38    [20261332]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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A Nun is walking down the street when a young soldier comes running up to her. He says "Please can you help me? I'm being chased by the Military Police, let me hide under your robes, I'll explain later" The Nun lets the soldier hide under under her robes, then two Military Policemen appear and ask the Nun if she has seen a soldier, she Says "No", then sends them the wrong way. The soldier crawls out from beneath the Nuns robes and says " I can't thank you enough Sister, they are wanting to send me to Iraq but I don't want to go" The Nun replies "I can understand that completely" The soldier then says "I hope you don't mind me saying this but you have a really nice pair of legs under there" The Nun says "Not at all, in fact if you had looked a little higher you would have noticed a really nice pair of balls, you see, I don't want to go to fucking Iraq either"!
13 мар 17, 07:48    [20287995]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Tayfur
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kpu3uc
.."Not at all, in fact if you had looked a little higher you would have noticed a really nice pair of balls, you see, I don't want to go to fucking Iraq either"!
It's cool!
13 мар 17, 11:28    [20288638]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Poor Abdul blows himself up only to be confronted the forces of the universe known as 'God', "Well Abdul my old son, you fucked up and got it wrong, karma is the law of the universe, you are going back to live another life where you will be hated, despised and abused all your life till you learn your lesson. " "No , please " said Abdul, "please don't send me back as Paki again, " he pleaded. "Of course you're going back as a Paki, " said the God like entity, "but it gets worse, "you're going back as a Paki girl."
14 мар 17, 22:25    [20295447]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Tayfur
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From my ICQ:
- Hello!
- Hi! How do you do?
- Ok!
- Do you speak Russian?
- Yes, Oxford!
- пи..к :D
- :D
15 мар 17, 11:09    [20296784]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
15 мар 17, 11:17    [20296847]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off
17 мар 17, 15:50    [20306544]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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Tayfur
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About handsaw better than the last.
18 мар 17, 18:28    [20309249]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
i45
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Tayfur
About handsaw better than the last.


Google выдает ноль результатов.
18 мар 17, 18:42    [20309279]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Tayfur
Member

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i45
Tayfur
About handsaw better than the last.


Google выдает ноль результатов.

Вата хел. Write on English here please.
18 мар 17, 22:46    [20309791]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
IvanChai
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Tayfur
i45
пропущено...


Google выдает ноль результатов.

Вата хел. Write on English here please.


write in english, but not on
mi sembra
18 мар 17, 22:56    [20309800]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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можно ли по-русски так же кратко выразить мысль Never trust a fart ?
20 мар 17, 17:07    [20314886]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me
"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "
20 мар 17, 17:09    [20314896]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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I've just been sacked on the first day of my new job as a male masseuse. Apparently the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did
20 мар 17, 17:17    [20314927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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what do you call two gay pakies?
Rammit and Jammit.
20 мар 17, 17:20    [20314939]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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As a mark of respect, the family of the terrorist killed by police in London yesterday have decided to keep their corner shop open
23 мар 17, 13:40    [20325589]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Terrible news from London, but lets face the facts. Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.
23 мар 17, 13:42    [20325603]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a sheer drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
+
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
23 мар 17, 13:48    [20325647]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
winsky!
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Откуда: Киев
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on english

бл*
23 мар 17, 14:23    [20325934]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.
23 мар 17, 15:16    [20326277]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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A man is sitting at an airport bar during a lay-over. He looks around and notices a beautiful woman with a glass eye, sitting by herself. She looks in his direction with her good eye, but the glass eye is looking away. Without warning, she sneezes violently, launching her glass eye out of the socket! It flies towards the man and he deftly grabs it from the air, but spills a drink onto his food. He gets up and brings the glass eye back to her. "This is so embarrassing," she says as she puts her glass eye back into the socket. "Please, let me buy you dinner to make up for the trouble I've caused."

The man accepts her offer, and sits at the table with her. They get to talking and he discovers that they have a lot in common. He becomes so absorbed by the conversation that he completely forgets about her glass eye. After dinner, the man asks for her phone number and she gives it to him. The man says, "You are the most beautiful and charming woman I've ever met. Are you always this friendly to strangers?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
23 мар 17, 15:26    [20326326]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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один из моих любимых анекдотов, но в русском варианте он рассказывается про старого еврея. "А бабушка сказала, что это на поминки"

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales. With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."
23 мар 17, 15:32    [20326361]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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kpu3uc
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Boyle, Pascal and Newton wanted to play Hide and Seek
So Boyle closed his eyes and started counting, Pascal went to hide, and Newton just stood there and drew a square with a side of 1 meter.
When Boyle opened his eyes, he found Newton, and said "Newton I found you".
To which Newton Replied: "No I'm not Newton, I'm Pascal, Because Pa=N/m2 "
23 мар 17, 15:56    [20326508]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Панчлайн гениальный! но сначала надо прочитать эту shaggy-dog story

So there’s this guy, walking around somewhere in India. He looks about sixty, his hair is just starting to gray. He’s walking down this really dirty street, with trash and mud everywhere. Here’s his story.

His name is Abuk Chandrasekhar, but you can just call him Abuk. He is on his way home from a long, hard day at work. He’s about five minutes away from his tiny apartment. It is pouring down rain, the streets are nearly impossible to traverse across. After some struggle, Abuk is able to make it home safely. He takes off his dripping coat and muddy boots, then leans in close to his dingy kerosene heater. It’s no dinner again for the second night in a row; he’s about fed up with this hard life. But what can he do? If only he could somehow get to America, maybe life would be better.

Abuk decides to sing away his troubles. Ever since he was a little boy, his mother and father encouraged him to sing. After twenty years of practice every night, he finally could sing beautifully, at least in his opinion. He has improved even more in the years after, and uses nearly all of his spare time to practice. Abuk falls asleep hours later, with dreams of singing in the far off land of America.

The next morning, the weather clears up. He goes on his way to work as happy as can be. Up ahead, he sees disturbance in the street. a billboard. It’s brightly colored with very crisp edges just beginning to peel off. It says “AMERICAN IDOL - COMING TO NEW YORK CITY” in bold, thick text. Abuk’s face lights up right away. It must be a sign. He now knows where his life is going! Abuk turns around, rushes home, goes to his room, and grabs the small envelope that holds his entire life savings. He finds his phone, and dials the number for the local airport. “Hello, you’ve reached the Chennai International Airport, how may I help you?” the operator says in Hindi. “Hello, I was wondering how much a flight to New York would cost me.” “Our next flight to New York leaves in three days, and the price is... Hold on, let me check.... Fifty thousand rupees.” “Thank you” Abuk returns in English, hanging up the phone. Abuk counts his money. He has more than enough. “I’m going to America!” he exclaims ecstatically.

Two days later, at the Chennai International Airport 0’600 hours

Abuk steps out of the taxi, and pays the driver a generous tip. He hops out, grabs his bags, and happily jogs to the entrance. He quickly makes it through the light security, and heads directly for the plane. He tells everyone he can about his upcoming adventure to America. Most people keep walking without turning their heads, but at the gate Abuk meets someone who actually acknowledges him. The man who listens introduces himself as Aarav. He is traveling to America to meet his wife and child who flew up a few months earlier. He says he is the owner of a Jazz club, and invites Abuk to sing. “Oh, that sounds wonderful!” Abuk says, “After I finish the competition I will certainly come by to see you!” “Yes, very good, very good! I will see you later! May i have your phone number to call you?” “Sure, here.” Aarav pulls out his phone to write down the number. “91-365-447-3283.” “Thanks!” says Aarav.

There is a buzz over the intercom, and the flight attendant starts announcing the first section. Abuk waves goodbye to his new acquaintance, and boards the plane. Abuk sits down right in the front of the plane so he can be the first one off. He stores his carry-on, and reclines his seat for the long, tiring flight ahead. Tomorrow he will be in America!

The next day, in New York City. Noon. Abuk strolls down the sidewalk, looking for the address listed on the billboard. The Al Hirschfeld theater. It isn’t hard to find, there’s a gigantic line of people out front. Camera crews walk up and down the crowds, people fighting for a shot in the camera. The auditions have already started! Abuk sprints to the back of the line. It takes nearly three hours of watching cars zoom past, planes fly overhead, lights flash, and the other hustling and bustling of the city before he makes it to the front. The bouncer calls his name, and he steps inside. Sitting in front of him are three judges: Steven Tyler, Simon Cowell, and Jennifer Lopez.

“Oh, oh my gods! It is an honor to meet you!” Abuk says. I flew in all the way from india, and I’m here! “Oh, India! How wonderful!” Jennifer Lopez says, “I visited India many years ago. You have a beautiful country.” “Thank you, thank you!” Abuk says, “Today I will be singing Respect by Aretha Franklin. It is one of my favorites!” “Mine too, let’s hear it!” Steven Tyler returns. Abuk sings a wonderful solo, and gets all three votes to pass. He is going to Hollywood! Abuk runs out of the theater onto the streets, fist pumping and jumping for joy. In just two weeks, he will be appearing live on television in front of a huge studio audience! It seems his dream is going to come true! During the next few weeks, Abuk transfers his rupees to dollars, catches a transfer flight to Hollywood, and makes it to the theater with time to spare. He smashes his first performance, and makes it onto the semi finals unanimously. He goes around Hollywood, seeing everything he can, and just taking in the overwhelming rush of joy. He catches ANOTHER plane to the semifinals, and rocks Never Gonna Give You Up by rick Astley. After a few more weeks, he’s sitting at the finals, with two other people he’s competing against. His turn comes up faster than he would believe, and he attempts to sing the hardest song he’s ever had. Although he’s been practicing since the semifinals, he still doesn’t know if he can pull it off. His cover of Take on Me by A-Ha may be his biggest challenge yet. He dances to the techno music at the beginning, awing the crowd with his great moves. When the first line comes however, he misses his mark. He’s off by two seconds. His voice cracks, and his face turns bright red with embarrassment. He asks them to restart the track, but it’s too late. His final challenge is ruined. He failed. Tears stream down his face as he looked around the room, the audience dead silent. He slowly walks off stage. The next night, Abuk walks into the theater. The announcer comes on, and the three contestants line up. “The winner of American idol is... going to be announced after a quick commercial break.” The audience breaks out in laughter. Five minutes later, it happens for real. “America has voted. THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL IS: ... ... ... ... ABUK CHANDRASEKHAR!!!” Abuk’s face is sad, he knows he’s lost. But after a few seconds his brain registers something. Did the announcer just say his name? HIS name? Abuk walks up to the front of the stage as confetti rains down from the ceiling. Tears stream down his face, but these are from joy, not sadness. He won the million dollars. America loved his other performances, and his mistake must have not been that bad! Yes!

+
It just goes to show you, you never judge Abuk by his cover.

If you skipped ahead, SHAME ON YOU.
23 мар 17, 16:09    [20326593]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the Cooter asked. The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor. "That's real good!" said Cooter. The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Cooter was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter. "Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter. "No," Hunter replied. "Then you're gay."
23 мар 17, 17:03    [20326856]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Multiculturalism in London is where a Jew sells flowers to a Catholic that puts them on Westminster Bridge where a Muslim killed innocent people later to be stolen by the Black to give to his mother on Mother’s Day.
24 мар 17, 11:02    [20328654]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup."
"What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."
29 мар 17, 15:03    [20346844]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Картинка с другого сайта.
31 мар 17, 13:04    [20354301]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Картинка с другого сайта.
1 апр 17, 10:02    [20356598]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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After meeting a few of my mates for the first time, my girlfriend asked, "Why does everyone call Kevin 'The Terminator'? He must love those films."
"No," I replied. "He's already paid for nine abortions."
6 апр 17, 17:27    [20374611]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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I was waiting ages for a bus in the rain the other day.
When it finally arrived it was packed and being driven by an Indian man.
"Sorry mate," he said through the door "I'm ram-jam full."
"I didn't ask your fucking name," I replied "just let me on the bus!"
6 апр 17, 17:36    [20374652]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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на мотив известной песни Глории Гейнор
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years
just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....
walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!
17 май 17, 15:01    [20490031]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
17 май 17, 17:26    [20490758]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me."
17 май 17, 17:29    [20490768]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Q.Tarantino
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Откуда: Где-то рядом...
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hi!
17 май 17, 17:30    [20490773]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."
17 май 17, 17:34    [20490785]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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the last one should be started with "The company hires a new man."
17 май 17, 17:35    [20490790]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
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fak yuo
17 май 17, 17:39    [20490808]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Колян Козлов
fak yuo
do you know any other rude and offensive words?
17 май 17, 17:51    [20490848]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
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kpu3uc
Колян Козлов
fak yuo
do you know any other rude and offensive words?


yuo eshol
17 май 17, 17:56    [20490860]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Q.Tarantino
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Откуда: Где-то рядом...
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wtf?
17 май 17, 17:56    [20490863]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
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Q.Tarantino
wtf?


end yuo
17 май 17, 18:15    [20490910]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Колян Козлов
end yuo

begin
null;
end;
17 май 17, 18:16    [20490912]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
свиное рыло
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ландан из зе кэпитал оф жемани
17 май 17, 18:19    [20490917]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

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свиное рыло
ландан из зе кэпитал оф жемани
cyrillic chars are not appropriate here
17 май 17, 18:20    [20490919]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Картинка с другого сайта.
17 май 17, 18:29    [20490948]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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Montenegro REFUSED EU membership until country chooses a ‘less racist’ name
17 май 17, 21:14    [20491200]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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Бесплатный курс английского для IT-специалиста
17 май 17, 21:16    [20491204]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Российские пользователи обнаружили, что в онлайн-словаре англоязычного сленга Urban Dictionary есть определения для многих русских имен. Описания составляют пользователи сайта, и обычно они пишут что-то очень хорошее.
кто еще этого не сделал - поищите свое имя в urban dictionary
18 май 17, 10:36    [20492068]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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Anatoly
First and foremost, he's that guy everyone thinks of as suspicious. He goes to a really expensive international school/college, but wears cheap shabby clothes, but at the same time a Rolex. There are rumors that he's in the Russian mafia, and no one really knows whether that's true or not. Doesn't talk a lot. Spends a lot of time with sketchy friends, typically older than him. Even though he seems shy, he's a real party-animal that can drink a seemingly endless amount of vodka, and the drunker he gets the more Russian his accent becomes. He's always asking other people for money, but never pays it back. All in all, you can have a great amount of fun with him, but make sure he doesn't get to crazy.

that's pure true, I confirm
18 май 17, 10:46    [20492120]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Колян Козлов
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kpu3uc
Колян Козлов
end yuo

begin
null;
end;


end you = i ti tozge
18 май 17, 13:49    [20492890]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
Member

Откуда: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Колян Козлов
kpu3uc
пропущено...

begin
null;
end;


end you = i ti tozge


begin
<<you>>
begin
null;
end you;
end;
18 май 17, 13:55    [20492924]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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18 май 17, 23:40    [20494465]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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18 май 17, 23:52    [20494477]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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19 май 17, 14:03    [20496459]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
MSSQLAndDotNet
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my english is very bad

Let me introduce in your gang?
19 май 17, 14:06    [20496484]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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FLancer
Картинка с другого сайта.
very inspiring
19 май 17, 14:40    [20496621]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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20 май 17, 00:11    [20497927]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
FLancer
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20 май 17, 00:17    [20497936]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Q.Tarantino
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Откуда: Где-то рядом...
Сообщений: 9312
о чем тема?
20 май 17, 00:28    [20497950]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
Charles Weyland
Member

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Q.Tarantino
о чем тема?

I dont remember, давно создавал. Чё-то хотел.

Кстати, о remember. Мне это слово очень запомнилось тем, как я его выучил.
Когда впервые встретил его в учебнике и пытался сходу его перевести, то я действовал логически: я точно помнил, что member - это "член" (не в пошлом смысле слова, хотя и в нём тоже). Я тогда переводил текст в классе и скромно предположил, что это слово переводится "перечлен" или "повторный член". С тех пор я верный перевод слова remember очень хорошо remember.
вчера, 11:32    [20500777]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
 Re: Speak engilsh? Jokes and all discussions on english here  [new]
kpu3uc
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а я это слово запомнил примерно так
когда ещё учился в школе, отец принёс домой пластинку Yngwie Malmsteen (батя мой винил собирал)
а там была песня "You don't remember, I'll never forget"
и постоянно это повторялось в припеве
вчера, 11:38    [20500802]     Ответить | Цитировать Сообщить модератору
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